gotblackchick

I hope you crash n' burn baby!

Rummaging through old footage is sorta like going on a tour of time. I alone have accumulated hundreds of different kinds of tapes over the last eight years. I'm sure that if I were to sit down and watch each and every one of them, I would find a slew of forgotten charms; raw moments in my life rich in sentimental value. I'll sometimes happen upon these visual trinkets when in pursuit of a specific clip. I'll quietly honor these gems for what they're worth before continuing about my business.

But ever so often I'll find the equivalent of a gold nugget tucked away in my stash of videotapes. Or in this case, Emily's stash of videotapes. A few months back, I was on the lookout for a batch of scenes which I thought were in her possession. Turned out she did not have what I was looking for, but something much greater. O' the walk to Lexington Massachusetts...what a brilliant experience! As the video will explain, my friend Dan and I walked from Malden to Lexington one September night. With a camcorder in hand, we marched a good 16 miles through five towns and cities. Our mission was simple: to return Em's camera, (which she accidentally left with me) before she parted for college the very next day.

To be honest, I thought this footage was long gone with the wind since the tapes belong to Emily. She could very well have recorded her own material over them and the walk would remain a distant, personal memory. Lucky for me she realized the worth of the tape's contents and salvaged them. My hat's off to her for that! What you're about to witness is in many ways the last adventure of our youth, making these moments all the more invaluable.

Without further ado, I now proudly present:
The Walk to Lexington

( Cut for convenience )

Unfortunately it will be a slim Christmas for me this year. The money well is currently running dry, and what little funding I do have is reserved for one sweet living situation. I am specifically referring to the upstairs portion of the Ravage house. Gil, bbBruce, and I are trying our damndest to not only become roommates, but commence a base of operations. I'm just frazzled out of my mind trying to secure this sweet living situation. I keep telling myself that if I can hold out just a little longer, at least until the end of tomorrow, all this stress will be vindicated.

We are however on the lookout for a fourth roomie--any takers? It would be $1500 split between four peeps, which also includes electricity. In the meantime the three of us are biting the bullet on this one, because it would be a grave mistake to let this opportunity slip through our fingers. I had no idea how intense this move would become, but I guess that's how the pie slices itself!

=Aernk=

No sooner had I dozed off last night did I fall face first into a nightmare. I dreamt that I ran out my back door and off the stoop, heading towards the nearby cemetery. I clutched a black leather bag in my hands as I dashed across the backyard and cast the item into the thicket. I'm not sure what contents were in the bag, but it was essential that I discard all of it. After tossing the bag, something rustled in the dead, dried plants, and it didn't sound pleased by my actions. A huge buck suddenly came charging at me as several doe ran deeper into the cemetery. I woke up right after the beast gave chase.

I was relieved that I'd narrowly escaped what would have been one hell of a bad dream. I waited a minute or two before resuming my slumber thinking the worst was behind me. I wasn't out of the creeper woods yet, because I later dreamt that my mother was murdered in the most heinous possible way. On top of that, the suspected killer was a former friend of mine! The evidence was mounting against him which only frustrated me more. My recollection of the whole thing is a blur at best, but I do remember it being ultra intense. I felt all sorts of astral discombobulation lag* when I finally awoke this morning.

I really have no idea what to make of these ghastly hallucinations. I lost contact with my mother after she moved away last Spring. I think the last time I spoke with her was over a brief phone chat on Mother's Day. It's somewhat of a long story as to why I've been reluctant to contact her....perhaps I should give her a call next week?


*The brief sensation of displacement that occurs after an especially fervid dream.

=Aernk=

NOTICE: This entry contains 10% more vent than the leading brands. That is all.

I misplaced my debit card at Lethal Design's show last week. Actually the bartender goofed and gave me my friend's debit card in place of my own. After discovering the error last Thursday I notified the friend immediately, only to get his voicemail. I wound up calling Bank of America and requesting the card be canceled just in case someone I didn't know actually possessed my card. For all I knew the bartender could have been screwing up the whole night! The last thing I need right now is some random dude having a field day with my finances. Although as it would turn out my friend did have the bloody thing after all. Ugh.

So Bank of America canceled the card and issued a new one which they claimed would arrive in roughly 3-5 days, or less. It sure wasn't less! It took exactly one week to arrive, and it wasn't even the right card! It was a savings account card, which is essentially useless in this matter. Naturally distressed I called Bank of America again and gave them a piece of my mind. The representative remained unwaveringly friendly so it was hard for me to stay peeved. They eventually calmed me down and laid out an alternative option which included linking the savings account to my checkings account. This way I could at least take out money tonight, which I really needed to do. Great. Perfect. Let's do that much I thought. All they needed was the pin number for the new card, which apparently is sent in a separate envelope. Trouble is the envelope containing the pin number never came...

/deep breath

FAIL!

=Aernk=

I'm sticking to this routine if I have to wear elastics on my wrists to snap if I even think of slacking off! After years of trying to get myself to run, I've found I'm simply not athletic in that way. I get way too bored on a treadmill. Can't go out for runs, either. What I can do is dance the shit out of myself to 80's tunes for at least 30 minutes along with my yoga. I have to stop trying to be something I'm not.

The above is a general rule. I often adhere to the people around me. I've always been more of a listener than a talker, but I'm not going to be a yes man. Or a no man. I'm going to make more of an effort to find me and, though I'll always be me in reference to other people, I need to find my strength. I'm too easily intimidated. I don't give a damn if I'm wrong; if I am, tell me. Make me face it. I'm so sick of being freaking sheltered from life.

Following the incident on Halloween, this week, as I was getting off the train, I had the novel in my hands that I had borrowed from my boyfriend knocked from my hands. Why? I have no clue. Maybe the prick felt intimidated by someone who reads in his spare time. Maybe my book was just in his way. And I discovered, I didn't care. Sure. My instinctive reaction was to stew in it. But, I stepped back and thought about the Wiccanism. If one uses their force for ill, they will receive it back thrice. The rule of three. I applied it here. I plan to apply it. I refuse to get angry at strangers. What do I know about their lives? Nothing. The best I can do is believe that, someday, they will realize what its like when they do the kinds of things that have haunted me these past months. After that, I can just move on.

I'm always so afraid of everything and I am desperate to leave it all behind.

I just mentioned in my last entry how I've been happily single for almost 90 days. This is a landmark moment for me because I've been dating on a near continuous loop for the last seven years. I was initially frightened to be alone because I have deep rooted issues with abandonment. I have found over these last three months that being completely free and on my own is really a privilege which many people miss out on. I hadn't previously held society accountable for pushing relationships on people, mainly for the reason that we humans are naturally social creatures. I'd always assumed the need for an intimate union was something primordial. But now that I'm wrapping my mind around the subject, I do believe society places relationships on an unrealistic pedestal.

A heap of websites like eHarmony claim that they will help you find the person of your dreams, and by default find you happiness. The trouble with this is it furthers the notion that a person can't find happiness in themselves, but only in others. It's almost on par with materialism at this point since many of these websites actually charge a fee... I've since learned during my dating sabbatical that the truest form of joy occurs when I can reflect on myself and my surroundings. That's not to say this can't be achieved between lovers. Some beautiful and insightful things unfolded in my own relationships. I just feel the truest sense of ease in my singleness. The only time this tranquility is put to the test is when society rears its ugly head and tries to impress a relationship on me.

But I've personally witnessed couples who were linked together for no other reason than to fulfill a relationship, which in turn was for the sake of "happiness." And we wonder why the divorce rate is so very high in this country!? To walk the lone road is not always easy, and I certainly hope I'm not advertising it that way. Being single sometimes takes a great deal of patience! But if you silence your mind of all the garbage, you'll find the merits of singlehood to be nothing short of incredible. At the very least, take some time for yourself to build your character and discover your hidden talents. I guarantee it'll make your next bond much more meaningful!

Oh and everything is worse around the holidays, but that's neither here nor there.

=Aernk=